you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
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