How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
I've been emailing with a woman. I don't think she's into me, but we've become sorta email buddies. I'm hoping to meet her because on her profile she states she's into 'fisting.' Frankly the thought kinda freaks me out but I'm dying to see what kind of woman is 1) into that and 2) admits it upfront.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
