Buhtt sex?
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
Randomize
