ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
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