Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize
