the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
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