don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
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