I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
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