fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
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