You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Randomize
