You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
Randomize
