if you force a hooker to have sex with you and dont pay her would it be rape or theft? something to ponder
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
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