Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
