wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Randomize
