I should be sponsored by Trojan
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
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