its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
