Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
there was a trapeze. enough said
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
