I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
