The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
