Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
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