Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
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