Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
i think i just naturally attract stoners
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
