You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
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