My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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