If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Randomize
