I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
Randomize
