god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
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