what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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