just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
is wine microwaveable?
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
