when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Randomize
