i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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