I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
Someone stole a lamp last night.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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