As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
