Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
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