so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
Randomize
