A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
Randomize
