I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Randomize
