My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
