can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
I'm too high and old for this...
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
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