He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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