You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
