Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
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