Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
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