So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Of course I have a pirate flag
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
