The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
