Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Randomize
