Your face is a jimmy john
someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Randomize
