Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize