Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
I just gargled with NyQuil
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
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