everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
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