my soul wont recognize me after tonight
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
