Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
Randomize
