Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
i wish my penis had a tongue
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
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