The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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