the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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