So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
Randomize
