you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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