those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Randomize
