Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
I can't turn off my feet"
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
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