Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
Randomize
