the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
