I was born with a shot glass in my hand
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
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