i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
P.S. I can't hear my feet
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
Randomize
