When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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